When we first started speaking, I initially thought that I had hit the jackpot: But then when it was time to leave, I ordered an Uber to take me home, and he got in, asking if he could share the taxi even though we live nowhere near each other. When we pulled up to his flat, he jumped out without offering to pay for his fare.
That said, this probably stems from an awkward encounter I had at university, which try as I might, I will never forget. He was a musician. No warning.
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That is one duet I will never partake in, soz. We were only meant to be having a quick coffee but he immediately launched into a rant about how terrible his life was now. There was pus he explained, and did I want to see it? And oh - here it is. It was rancid and smelled awful. Needless to say I wish I'd never met up with him. I was at University. We met in front of the student union as he was trying to get people to sign up for mailing lists, and some how I ended up signing up for a date. A Sunday afternoon meal and walk in the park.
As someone rushed in front of me, I screeched to a halt, beeping my horn manically, as a collision was imminent. I tried to seem cool and calm, with my car halted in the middle of the junction.
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I'd just moved to Manchester, the dodgy end, and I'd also met a lovely German guy. We went on a date and he wanted to walk me home after I'd made a lot of fuss about the area I lived in. As we turned the corner the street was lit up with blue flashing lights. The sirens were echoing off the Victorian brick walls and in the distance I saw police tape flickering in the wind. As we edged closer, my fingers gripped his tighter as I realised that the tape was wrapped around my house. And the sirens were calling out to me!
He thought it was hilariously coincidental until I said: A gang had been chasing him and he ran up to our house to try and get in but no one had opened the door quick enough. The guy took me to stay at my friends, but I never did hear from him again…. He was wearing a shark tooth necklace for starters.
Is he dealing drugs? So they started talking to me like I was the long-lost girlfriend — showing me pictures of their holiday, chatting about their son — it was seriously weird — although they were an absolute delight. Said boy then took me upstairs to his very teenage bedroom, and talked me through the photos on his wall, and showed me his piano.
He even started playing it for me. So I ended up having sex with him On the piano. We'd met on Tinder and though we'd got on well there was something holding me back from pinning down a date. But after two cancelled meet-ups I'd agreed to drinks - cocktails. When I arrived I was relieved - he looked nice and had a drink ready for me.
We chatted away for a while until he got onto his recent flat move. He hated where he lived but he'd had to move fast as fast as possible, he said.
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It sounded dubious, so out came the journalist in me, and after a lot of probing about why he'd moved so swiftly, the story came flooding out. I'd already judged, of course. It transpired he hadn't got on with an old housemate who'd been hitting on his ex. So he'd taken drastic measures, and I mean drastic. On a whim one night on a walk home he'd passed a butchers and volunteered to take some end of day off-cuts home.
The One Where I Was Hit By A Car
Said off-cuts were two pigs heads, which he'd put in his housemate's bed for him to find on his return home. His landlord had thrown him out shortly after. I felt like I was on a date with a member of the mafia. Giving birth Should you think about having a home birth like Meghan?
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